I’ve been having a hard time the past few months.
I sometimes feel as if I can’t keep from ruining everything.

I’m not where I’m supposed to be and I’m not sure I’ll get there.

I’m not what I’m supposed to be and I’m not sure I can be.

I used to see five friends every single day and now I hardly ever see any of them, and I figure there’s a reason for that.

I think I succeeded in permanently fucking up the most significant friendship of my adult life.
Everything is awkward now and although I try my best to show how important it is to me with generosity and thoughtfulness, I don’t think I can get it back.

When I try to express something good for a change, I always seem to get rejected.

I don’t think people are capable of understanding me anymore and I’m not sure I’m capable of understanding them.
I feel like an outsider, like I’m this close to losing anyone I’ve ever cared about or anyone who has ever cared about me.

People don’t come see me anymore.
They say they will and then they don’t.

I wonder whether people are afraid of me now.

Maybe everyone thinks I’m crazy.

Maybe I am.

Or maybe I finally got them to feel the apathy I’ve been trying to force on them for years, the apathy I was convinced I deserved.

I regret it now.

There aren’t many things in this life I don’t regret.
And I’m only 24.